I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
