His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
