I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
