I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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