My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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