someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
