Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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