I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
