I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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