Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
