He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
