He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
