So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
