How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
