im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize