he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
