How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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