it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
please don't ironically join a cult
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