so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
