I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so let's talk penis.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize