I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just cropdusted the office
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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