he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
