You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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