you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
