I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
