you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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