I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
