You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Come back. Shots need mouths.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My feet surprised me
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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