apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I am one with the molecules
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
