Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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