What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Randomize
