Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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