I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize