I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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