sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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