We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize