On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
