'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
