Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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