I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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