Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
