youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
