dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
