On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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