you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
