ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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