My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
