we have officially lost it.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i will never coherently bang her
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
