If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
