i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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