Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
50% drunk capacity currently
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
