ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
