if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
