Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
