I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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