i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize