I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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