Sry I called you an 8
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
even my farts smell like vagina
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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